STILLED
Pain. Left side of my back. Intensifying pain. The sensation grows over several weeks, but according to check-ups nothing appears abnormal. Now it hurts so much I cannot move, walk, or sit. Lying down seems to reduce the pain, yet the mattress seems too soft. The floor is a better option. Tears come one after another, until I spasm.
An ultrasound confirms that something is wrong. After a pet scan in a small, private clinic I hear a technician say they will not take the intravenous port from my left hand. He calls for an ambulance. Nervously opening the door, he calls my mother from the hallway and tells her I need to be transported immediately to a well-equipped hospital for surgery. I feel dizzy. Reality blurs. The room spins. A few hours later I am lying in a hospital bed and visitors come.
The patient came in with internal bleeding of an interorgan
tumor.
It is frightening and profoundly exhausting to be here. So alone. The disorienting sensation of being rendered immobile while incrementally photographed by this high-tech medical scanning machine. Stilled, my body is burning from the inside.
Stabilized.
01/19/05
Department of General, Transplant and Liver Surgery:
ultrasound: In the left adrenal gland, a welldelineated, unrelated to the spleen or kidney, left echogenic change — litho-fluid, without vascularity features in the doppler color is visible. It has dimensions — approx. 100 X 90 X 80 MM. It can be a cyst with bleeding to it or a tumor. It models the left kidney. Spleen of normal size, no post-traumatic changes.
Liver, kidney, pancreas, gallbladder correct.
Non-enlarged retroperitoneal lymph nodes. I do not state the free fluid in the peritoneal cavity.
Medical imagery of my viscera is confusing. The internal bleeding is trapped in the tumor. As long as I lie down it’s safe to wait for a decision of medical consultation on how to proceed further.
A 19-year-old patient admitted to the Clinic in order to diagnose and surgically treat the abdominal tumor. The change was detected accidentally during diagnostic tests of non-specific pain in the left upper abdomen. In imaging studies (ct, usg) a tumor emerging between the left and spleen kidney was visualized. Tumor with internal bleeding, stabilized. Remaining under an ultrasound control and lab tests patient is waiting for surgery.
I hear this every morning for several weeks during the medical rounds consisting of the head of the hospital ward, surgeons, interns and students. Within this hospital superstructure I am an examined body, only referred to in the third person. I lay awaiting new information without any movement. Passive. Cut off from my own feelings.
Fear renders me still in the face of the unknown. I do not want to fall apart. I do not want to see a priest, who is walking around the hospital. I do not want to die.
On the morning of the first surgery I feel peaceful. Without fear I take an elevator down to the surgery block. But I know I will be back.
Operation Description Tab:
given anesthesia: General.
diagnosis: Left adrenal gland tumor.
type of surgery: Tumor excision with part of the pancreatic tail and spleen.
description of the operation:
The abdomen was opened with an oblique incision on the left side of the epigastrium, partially going to the right side. In the retroperitoneal space between the tail of the pancreas and the spleen cavity there is a tumor with a diameter of 10 CM. It is impressed. There is no fluid or changes in other organs in the abdominal cavity. The network has been opened. It was confirmed that the tumor is closely related to the pancreas and spleen. It was separated from neighboring tissues. It was located above the upper pole of the kidney but did not reach the kidney bag. In the immediate vicinity there were left adrenals, which next to the tumor had a normal appearance, but it can not be ruled out that the tumor came from it, because it adhered and partially penetrated the tumor. Tissue and spleen vein were ligated within the pancreatic tail and a resection was performed in one block, taking the tumor along with the spleen and part of the pancreatic tail. Full homeostasis was obtained. The pancreatic tail was sutured. One drain was set up and the abdominal cavity was closed. The tumor after the intersection contained blood clots and a fibrous bag on the periphery.